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BROMWELL ELEMENTARY SCHOOL (214)
2500 East
Fourth Avenue,
80206-4214
(Columbine Street at East Fourth Avenue)

Telephone:
(303) 388-5969
Fax: (720) 424-9355
E-mail: Bromwell@dpsk12.org

Mr. Jonathan Wolfer, Principal

The Wild West Show

BUFFALO BILL’S WILD WEST: A History of a Myth in 12 Scenes

Introductory note:
This play is meant to be performed outdoors, with all the players making a circle to represent the Wild West arena. Because Bromwell’s best outdoors performing area is near Josephine Street, we have written the play to include the use of one microphone. The presentation is much like a broadcast sporting event, then, with a quite a bit of circus and vaudeville thrown in. The announcers are much like the radio announcers at a sporting event, and the performers speak their lines almost as though they are giving interviews from the sidelines of some big game. The stunts and pratfalls are not noted in this script, but are meant to be improvised in rehearsal. Finally, much of the text is taken from actual historical records

1. NED BUNTLINE REMEMBERS
Ned: I am a writer. My name is Ned Buntline. In the old days, I wrote two or three books a week. A lot of folks thought it was junk, but at least I made a living.

Well, I heard some stories about a man named Buffalo Bill. I didn’t think they were true at all, but I sure thought they were entertaining. So I wrote them up into a novel called “Buffalo Bill, the King of the Border Men.”

Then, after I wrote the story, I met the real man. Imagine my surprise! He and I took one of my books and turned it into a stage play. Bill played himself, of course. From there it was just a short step to the Wild West shows. The rest, as they say, is history. Or was it?

I sure didn’t create Annie Oakley or Sitting Bull, but when they came along they added themselves to the story. Nowadays we hear a lot about the West, and we think a lot about the West. But you have to ask yourself: what was the story and what was real?

2. BUFFALO BILL AND THE GRAND REVIEW
Announcer #1: Silence and attention! Ladies and gentlemen, I have the honor of introducing a man whose record as a servant of the government, whose skill and daring as a frontiersman, whose place in history as a chief of scouts of the United States Army... have made him well known throughout the world. His motto and guiding principle is ‘true to friend and foe.’ Here he is... the Honorable Colonel William F. Cody, Buffalo Bill!

Ned: Bill, you were never a real colonel! You exaggerated as much in your show as I did in my books! This is what I mean, folks. With the West, history and stories got all mixed up!

Buffalo Bill: Now, Ned! I’m trying to put on a performance here!

Ned: Well, I’m trying to make a point here!

Buffalo Bill: Aw, please? Come on! The audience is waiting!

Ned: Oh, all right! Go on, then! I have to admit, there were some parts of the show I always did enjoy...

Buffalo Bill: Ahem! Thank you again, my friends, for that warm welcome. Before we get under way, let me just tell you a bit about myself...

I was born just west of the Mississippi River, in Iowa. At the age of 12 I worked for a wagon train going to Fort Laramie; one year later I participated in the Gold Rush right here in Colorado; at age 15, I rode for the Pony Express. I fought for the Union during the Civil War. I began hunting buffalo for the work crews of the Kansas Pacific railroad, and that’s how I earned my reputation as an expert shot.

I was also a scout for the Army. I rescued a group of soldiers who were lost in a blizzard near Fort Lyons, Colorado. I fought in a battle with the Cheyenne tribe at Summit Springs, near Julesburg, Colorado.

Ned: Okay! That’s it! Enough is enough! What a bunch of hogwash! Let me just point out...

(Bill draws his gun on Ned, who throws up his hands and backs away)<

Buffalo Bill: Now, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to the Wild West exhibition. Wild West, are you ready?

Wild West: READY!

Buffalo Bill: Go!

Announcer #1: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls... It’s the Grand Review! The most thrilling spectacle ever seen! Here before you there are cowboys, and cowgirls, great heroes and terrible villains, wranglers and sharpshooters, wild and untamed animals! Come one, come all, and gaze upon our pageant of the Wild West!

3. ANNIE OAKLEY AND HER COMPETITORS
Announcer #2: In the days of the Wild West, the rifle was necessary for the preservation of life and the defense of home and property. Bullets served as the forerunner of developing civilization, going hand in hand with the ax that cleared the forest and the school book that educated the young. Deadly in one sense, the rifle has been beneficial in another; for without the rifle we of the United States of America would not be today in the possession of a free country, and mighty in our strength.

Announcer #1: The rifle has never been used with greater skill and accuracy than by our first performer... the one, the only... Annie Oakley! She has been called America’s Sweetheart. The great Sitting Bull was so impressed by Miss Oakley’s astounding skills that he gave her another nickname -- Little Sure Shot.

Announcer #2: She can shoot a playing card in half from ninety feet -- even if it’s held edgewise! And she once shot a cigarette out of the mouth of the German Crown Prince Wilhelm!

Announcer #1: She can shoot 943 out of 1,000 glass balls... She once shot 4,772 out of 5,000 targets with a rifle in nine hours...

Announcer #2: Miss Annie Oakley always wears a dress in the arena and often includes her husband, Frank Butler, in her act. In her riding, she uses a sidesaddle -- as we know, the right choice for any proper lady. She has been awarded the title of Female Shooting Champion of America by the Police Gazette.

Annie: Thank you kindly, ladies and gentlemen. I was born in Ohio and learned to shoot at the age of 8. I helped support my poor family by hunting, and then by providing game to a fancy hotel in Cincinnati. I met my husband, Mr. Butler, when I beat him in a shooting competition!

I starred in the play “The Western Girl,” and I have been the subject of a famous musical comedy titled “Annie Get Your Gun.”

Announcer #1: Isn’t she great, folks? But beware, Miss Oakley! There are many competitors who envy your fame.

Announcer #2: Given the chance, they would steal the spotlight! And here they come now...

Lucille Mulhall: I’m Lucille Mulhall, the Daring Darling of the Plains. I can rope as many as eight horse at the same time!

May Lillie: And I’m May Lillie, the Princess of the Prairie -- a world-class target shooter and a bronc-buster, too.


Lillian Smith: What about me? I’m Lillian Smith, the California Girl! I can hit a plate thirty times in fifty seconds!

Edith Tantlinger: You think that’s something? I’m Edith Tantlinger -- a former schoolteacher from Minnesota. I joined the Wild West Show during one summer vacation. Not only can I shoot and ride, I can also throw a boomerang!

Jane Woodend: I’m Jane Woodend -- the New York society girl who left the East Coast behind and became the fastest line rider in the West. Sometimes I even wear my leopard-skin fur coat while I ride the range.

Calamity Jane: I’m Calamity Jane -- I was an Army scout in Nebraska and Colorado, and I became a hero for helping victims during the smallpox outbreak in Deadwood, South Dakota.<

Announcer #1: Yes, these other young ladies would love to show up Miss Annie Oakley and steal her thunder.

Announcer #2: In fact, it’s beginning to look a little dangerous out there... uh oh! Watch out, Annie! (etc.)

(Shenanigans with running narration)

Announcer #2: Well, I guess we can see once and for all who really deserves the title of “Queen of the Wild West!”

Announcer #1 & #2: Miss Annie Oakley!

4. THE WESTERN HEROES HALL OF FAME
Announcer #3: Now it’s time for the Western Heroes Hall of Fame!

Wild Bill: My name is Wild Bill Hickok. I’ve been a frontier army scout, a lawman, a stagecoach driver, and a gambler.
I was near Wetmore, Colorado when I fought off a bear armed with only a knife! I shared a tent with Buffalo Bill and I’ve shared the stage with him, too.

Doc Holliday: I’m Doc Holliday, and I fought against the terrible Clanton gang at the O.K. Corral. I’m also a frontier dentist with a practice right here in Denver, Colorado!

Will Rogers: I’m Will Rogers, also known as the Cherokee Kid. I am an expert roper, and a well-known humorist. One of my well-known sayings is that I never yet met a man I didn’t like. The Shrine of the Sun in Colorado Springs is dedicated to my life story.

Elsa Jane: My name is Elsa Jane Guerin, and I am famous throughout the West because I hunted down the man who killed my husband. It took me five years, but I finally found him right here in Denver, Colorado, and then I took my revenge!

Charley Parkhurst: Folks used to call me Charlotte Parkhurst, but now I go by Charley. I’m a gold miner and a stagecoach driver, and the first woman to ever vote in the history of the U.S.A.!

Announcer #3: These western heroes are not only noble, but skillful, too! Watch closely as they demonstrate their amazing skills...

(Shenanigans)

5. WILD AND WOOLLY
Announcer #4: How about another round of applause for the members of the Western Heroes Hall of Fame? No performance of the Wild West is complete without the animals and beasts who make the West so wild. On any given tour, Buffalo Bill displays elk, wild horses, Mexican burros, mountain lions, coyotes, deer, antelopes, and mountain sheep.

Announcer #__: Today we have three of the wildest and wooliest creatures to ever roam the plains: a bucking bronc... an ornery Texas steer... and a wild American bison, known more commonly as the buffalo.

Announcer #__: First, we will have one of our young and fearless wranglers attempt bareback bronc riding. With this event, the goal is for the rider to remain mounted for 8 seconds while the horse tries to buck him off. Can he do it? That bronc looks pretty mean, folks! Okay, the rider is getting ready... the bronc looks meaner than ever... Everybody here can help me keep the time... ready, set, GO! 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... oh no! He was bucked off at the last second! The poor guy! Oh, but look, he’s getting up, he’s going to try it again... (etc.)

(Shenanigans with running narration)

Announcer #__: Next, a demonstration of the dangerous art of steer undecorating! This young lady must chase a steer that has a ribbon taped to its back and pluck it off... if she is able! That steer looks pretty fast! Okay, they will start when I give the word... ready, set, GO! They’re off! That steer is keeping out of reach, the poor wrangler can’t quite catch up, oh! Too bad! The wrangler just couldn’t catch that steer. But, now she wants to try again! Okay, here we go a second time... (etc.)

(Shenanigans with running narration)

Announcer #__: Finally, steer wrestling... also known as bulldogging! Our young wrangler will grab this fierce and furious bison by its horns and wrestle it to the ground. That’s a pretty big bison, folks! He looks like he wants to tear that wrangler limb from limb! Ready, set, GO! Oh no, the bison is out for blood! This could end up as a real tragedy, folks! (etc.)

(Shenanigans with running narration)

Announcer #4: There you have it, audience! The vicious and untamed animals of the West versus the abilities of the cowboys and cowgirls, who will win every time! Thank you!

6. THE ATTACK ON THE DEADWOOD STAGE
Announcer #5: Now, for your entertainment and your edification, we present our startling and soul-stirring rendition of the attack on the Deadwood Stage Coach. You will meet some of the most feared outlaws of Western history! You will witness their cowardly and evil attack upon the Deadwood Stage, overcoming the valiant defenders of the coach through cunning and dirty tricks. And then you will applaud the arrival at the very last moment of our heroes who, of course, save the day.

First, let me introduce you to the villains of our demonstration. While there were many heroic men and women who crossed the frontier in the old days of the West, there were also fierce and warlike outlaws, determined to stop the advance of civilization.

Butch: I’m Butch Cassidy and I lead the famous Wild Bunch gang. We are train robbers, mostly, although we also robbed the San Miguel Valley Bank in Telluride, Colorado. Oh, yeah -- I’m also a cattle rustler and a horse thief in my spare time.

Sundance: I’m his partner, the Sundance Kid! If Butch Cassidy is mean, I’m just plain dangerous. I can aim just as well with either hand, or both at once!

Jesse James: Me? I’m Jesse James, the most feared bank robber the West has ever known. I’ve robbed more than 25 banks and killed many innocent people in cold blood!
John Wesley Hardin: I’m John Wesley Hardin, the deadliest gunfighter ever. I am so mean, I once shot a man just because he snored!

Belle Starr: I am Belle Starr, also known as the Bandit Queen. I am a robber and a horse and cattle thief. I can shoot a bumblebee off a flower at thirty yards!

Announcer #5: This stagecoach made the run between Deadwood and Cheyenne and earned an immortal place in American history. Here’s our driver for today, Stagecoach Mary Fields...

Stagecoach Mary: I’m just about the toughest stagecoach driver who ever lived. I’m a crack shot with a revolver, and you don’t want to get on my bad side when I’ve got my whip in my hand!

Announcer #5: Riding shotgun is Bat Masterson, one of the most famous sheriffs in Western history.

Bat: I served as city marshal of Trinidad, Colorado. I also write a column on boxing for a New York newspaper, the Morning Telegraph. So I know how to handle my fists!

Announcer #5: For extra security, we have two undercover agents from Pinkerton’s Detective Agency. The first private detective agency in the world, Pinkerton's captured the Reno brothers and solved many other crimes. Say a few words to the audience, if you please!

Two detectives: Mmm.

Announcer #5: It is always our custom to invite one or two celebrity passengers to take a ride upon the stagecoach during the show... (To a teacher or staff member) Would you please be our guest this afternoon? Thank you very much! Folks, how about a hand for our volunteer! Okay, is the coach team ready? Let’s begin... (etc.)

(Lots of shenanigans with running narration)

7. THE ONE AND ONLY PONY EXPRESS
Rider #1: Now we will have a demonstration of the wonderful Pony Express!

Rider #2: The great William Russell started the Pony Express to move mail quickly across the West before railroads and telegraph lines crossed the continent.

Rider #1: The Pony Express worked like a gigantic relay race as young riders carried mail from station to station. Delivery from the Mississippi River to California took only ten days or sometimes even less.

Rider #2: The riders covered 200 miles a day!

Rider #1: Today we will demonstrate the methods of the Pony Express.

Announcer #1: We will transfer a mail package from one rider to another in true Pony Express fashion.

Announcer #2: In previous trials, these riders have set a record of 20 seconds for the entire route from start to finish.

Announcer #4: Will they be able to beat that time? We will soon see! Audience, you can help us count the time!

Announcers 1, 2 & 4: Ready, set, GO! 1... 2... 3... 4... (etc.)

(Shenanigans)

8. TOURING THE CAPITALS OF EUROPE
Announcer #6: Many famous people visited Buffalo Bill’s exhibition. Thomas Edison, William Tecumseh Sherman, and Susan B. Anthony all loved Buffalo Bill’s Wild West.

Barnum: Well, if it isn’t Mark Twain, the author of “Tom Sawyer” and “Huckleberry Finn!”

Twain: And aren’t you P.T. Barnum, the founder of the most famous circus in history?

Barnum: Yes, sir! I discovered General Tom Thumb, the world’s smallest man... and Jumbo, the world’s biggest elephant.

Twain: What are you doing at the Wild West Show? I heard that you despise any show that competes with your circus!

Barnum: Despise isn’t a strong enough word! I never EVER attend a competing show... well... ummm... except for this once. I did go to Bill’s show, and I have to admit it.

Twain: And...?

Barnum: Well, between you and me, I must declare it a great success. But please don’t tell anyone I said so! This is so embarrassing!...

Twain: I have just composed a letter to Buffalo Bill. I hope to convince him to take his show to England for Queen Victoria’s jubilee celebration! Here’s what I’ve written: “It is often said on the other side of the water that none of the exhibitions which we send to England are purely and distinctively American. If you will take the Wild West show over there you can remove this reproach. You’ll show those Europeans just what life in America is like!
You give those stuffy Britishers new ideas of the magnificence of the Western Hemisphere!”

Announcer #6: Bill did travel to England. He took 121 wranglers, 97 Indians, 18 buffaloes, 2 deer, 10 elk, 10 mules, 5 Texas steers, 4 donkeys, and 180 horses. The year was 1887, and it was Victoria’s 50th year as queen of the British Empire -- her golden jubilee.

Announcer #7: Queen Victoria had withdrawn from the public since her Prince Consort had died. But now she attended a special command performance of the show. When it was over, she gave her opinion... everyone was quite nervous. What would she say? Did she like it, or not?

Victoria: I am entirely satisfied with all I have seen.

Announcer #7: And so the production was a great success! Queen Victoria even saw it a second time and she brought along kings from Belgium, Denmark, and Greece; crown princes from Austria, Germany, and Sweden; and a grand duke from Russia.

Buffalo Bill: The queen actually bowed her head before the American flag when it passed. This constituted the first formal recognition of the Stars and Stripes by a British monarch since the Revolutionary War!

Announcer #6: Buffalo Bill and his troop continued to perform all over Europe...

French President: I am Sardi Carnot, the President of France. Buffalo Bill came to Paris. We were greatly honored when a group of Indians climbed to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Spanish Queen: I am Queen Maria Christina of Spain. In Barcelona, we did not like Buffalo Bill at all! How can bull-riding compare to bull fighting? Hmph!

Pope: I am Pope Leo XIII. Buffalo Bill’s exhibition was not only a great success in Italy, but the performers came to the Vatican. I was pleased to offer them my blessing... ahem! Pax Domini!

Announcer #6: The show was just the success that Mark Twain predicted. It brought a unique form of American entertainment to the Old World, as Europe was known then. Yes, all Europe was alive with talk of cowboys, and horses, and Indians...

9. THE SHOW INDIANS
Ned Buntline: Indians! Now, I wrote a lot of bunk -- a lot of tall tales and more than a few outright lies. I don’t regret that stuff too much. But I do regret what I wrote about the Indians. If I could change anything, that would be it. I suspect Bill came to feel the same way...

Speaker #1: No understanding of the West is complete without the story of the native people.

Speaker #2: They were called Indians because when Columbus and the early explorers crossed the Atlantic, they thought they had circled the world and arrived in India. In their own words they were Lakota, or Oglala, or Pawnee.

Speaker #3: The native people had a place in Buffalo Bill’s Wild West show. These performers were called “Show Indians.” They performed tribal dances and play-acted in attacks on the cowboys.

Speaker #4: Some critics protested because the Show Indians were always the “bad guys” who were defeated by the cowboys every time. The audience members booed them and jeered them.

Speaker #5: Most of the Show Indians put up with playing the “bad guys” because the work allowed them to leave the reservations. It allowed them to participate in ways of life that were even then beginning to vanish.

Speaker #6: Rocky Bear said: ”We were raised on horseback; that is the way we had to work. These men furnished us with the same work we were raised to; that is the reason we work for these men.
Ned: I’ll say this about Buffalo Bill: no one ever impersonated an Indian in his show. He had been their enemy, but now he came more and more to their defense.

Buffalo Bill: The Indians are a kind and true-hearted people, who if treated properly would give our government little or no trouble. You do not fully appreciate a man until you have fought with him and learned respect for the warlike qualities of your foe... They are the most worthy and respectable people to be found in the world.

Ned: During the tour of Europe, Buffalo Bill and the Show Indians seemed to feel easier about speaking out. While in Germany, Rocky Bear said: “We have the right to defend ourselves. The American people have done us a great injustice.” And Bill?

Buffalo Bill: I regret leading so many campaigns against them. They are the original Americans, and I defend their right to oppose a government that systematically dispossesses them. Injustice prevails in the U.S., where Indians have become wanderers in their own homeland.
Speaker #1: The greatest star among the Show Indians was Tatonka-i-Yatonka, or Sitting Bull. He was the last of the great leaders to surrender to the U.S. government, and he traveled with the Wild West Show for one year.

Speaker #2: He gave away much of the money he earned to poor children. He said: “The White man knows how to make everything, but he does not know how to distribute it.”

Speaker #3: When Sitting Bull saw the cities of the East, he said: “The white people are so many that if every Indian in the West killed one with every step they took, the dead would still not be missed among you.”

Speaker #4: Finally Sitting Bull left the show and returned to the reservation. He said: “My lodge is a better place to live. I am weary of the houses, weary of the noises of your cities.”

Speaker #5: Another Show Indians said: “I see so much that is strange that I feel a wish sometimes to go out in the forest and cover my head with a blanket, so that I can see no more and have a chance to think over what I have seen.”

Speaker #6: Red Shirt -- Ogilasa -- was the most famous Show Indian after Sitting Bull. He said: “Had I remained on the Indian Reservation, I should have been as a blind man... I have seen the great villages which have no end, where the pale faces swarm like insects in the summer sun... Our people will wonder at these things when we tell them what we have seen.”

Ned: Let’s give the last word to Red Shirt...

Choral: The Red Man is changing every season. Indians of the next generation will not be the Indians of the last. Our buffaloes are nearly all gone, and the deer have entirely vanished, and the White Man takes more and more of our land.

10. THE CONGRESS OF THE ROUGH RIDERS
Ned: In the year 1890 , Sitting Bull was killed in a skirmish between his men and U.S. soldiers. Buffalo Bill later said that he had known that trouble was brewing. He said that he had tried to get to the reservation to help his old friend, but he was too late. Maybe he meant it, maybe it was just another story. I don’t know... but the next year, Bill added a new feature to his Wild West Show...

Announcer #7: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, here comes the Congress of Rough Riders!

Ned: This showed riders from many different countries and cultures from all over the world. There was no play-acting, and no pretend villains. Just racing -- in a spirit of fellowship and goodwill.

Announcer #7: Here they come... the Rough Riders! The American cowboy from the mighty Rocky Mountains! The American Indian from the southwestern desert! The British rider, from a fox-hunting club near Windsor Castle! The Russian cossack, from the snowy steppes of northernmost Asia! The vaquero from the rugged highlands of Mexico! The gaucho from the distant plains of Argentina in South America! The Bedouin from the trackless sands of Saudi Arabia! These expert riders will now compete in a grand race that puts all their equestrian skills to the test. They will line up to the east of the arena, race to the western side and then back again to cross the finish line. Wild West, let’s prepare our special race course. Okay... ready, set, GO! (etc.)

(Shenanigans with running narration)

11. THE END OF THE TRAIL
Announcer #8: The Columbian Exposition was held in Chicago in the year 1893, to celebrate 400 years of progress since the age of Christopher Columbus.

Mayor: As the mayor of Chicago, I tried to keep the riffraff out of the Columbian Exposition. We wanted a nice cultural event. I told Buffalo Bill his show was too rough and tumble, and that he wasn’t allowed! So you know what he did? He set up camp right next door to the Exposition, and sold two million tickets! Bah!

Announcer #8: All good things must come to an end, and
eventually Buffalo Bill’s Wild West began to run out of steam. It became less popular, it made less money...

Pawnee Bill: I’m Pawnee Bill, and welcome to Pawnee Bill’s Far East! Behold! Hindu magicians, Senegalese dancers, Madagascar oxen calvary! Chinese acrobats and Japanese swordsmen! It’s a lot better than that nonsense Buffalo Bill puts in his show!

(Very brief shenanigans)

Buffalo Bill: Pawnee Bill, you no-good scoundrel! I oughta...! Aw, heck. I have to admit it... my business isn’t doing so well, these days.

Pawnee Bill: Buffalo Bill, you dirty low-down crook! To tell the truth, my show’s not doing so well, either.

Buffalo Bill: Hey! Let’s team up!

Pawnee Bill: Maybe if you and I combine our forces, we can still make a living!

Buffalo Bill: Friends forever, Bill!

Pawnee Bill: Pals till the end, Bill!

Buffalo Bill: Ya no-good scoundrel...

Pawnee Bill: Ya dirty crook...

Announcer #8: But business kept getting worse. In 1901 the show had a terrible train wreck. 110 horses were killed and Annie Oakley was injured so badly that she was never able to perform again. By 1910, Bill was giving series of “Farewell Exhibitions”

Buffalo Bill: I hereby announce the inevitable close of my public career This performance will positively be my last appearance in person in the towns and cities of the present tour. This farewell visit will be my last ‘Hail and farewell’ in the saddle to you...

Ned: I guess I have to own up to something here. Even if Buffalo Bill’s Wild West show got some things wrong, it did give rise to other traditions. Some of them were pretty good ones, too!

Rodeo Boss: I don’t care if the Wild West show is over, I love all that steer wrestling and bronc-bustin’! I’m gonna start me a little something I’ll call a rodeo!

Indian Craftsman: And I loved the dancing and the crafts, and how they kept native traditions alive. I’m going to start something I’ll call a powwow!

Hollywood Director: Well, I loved the attack on the stagecoach! I’ve got this newfangled thing called a movie camera, so I’m going to go to Hollywood and film something I’ll call a Western! I can see it now!

Rodeo Boss: Movies!?

Indian Craftsman: That will never work!

12. THE LEGACY OF THE WILD WEST
Ned: Bill kept on having farewell tours until 1916. Early the next year, he died. He was buried above Denver, on Lookout Mountain.

The rest of us were given an inheritance: the legacy of the Wild West. Not the real West, not the frontier -- that was long gone. No, our inheritance was the idea of the West -- a mythical place of mountains and plains, of horses and buffalo, of cowboys and Indians...

Buffalo Bill: Of stories and of history!

Ned: Hey! What are you doing? I’m trying to explain something here! And besides, aren’t you dead?

Buffalo Bill: Come on, Ned. It’s been almost a hundred years now. I know I did some pretty bad things. I didn’t always tell the truth. But ... but sometimes I told it well enough. Let’s move on. I was hoping maybe you could help me get a new show started...

Ned: Bill, it’s a new century! The year 2000 and 4! What kind of show could you even be thinking of?

Buffalo Bill: I don’t know, you’re the writer!

Ned: Ummm... ummm...

(Two aliens run by)

Ned: I’ve got it! Buffalo Bill and his Wild West versus the aliens!

Buffalo Bill: Wild West, are you ready?

Wild West: READY!

Buffalo Bill: Go!

(Shenanigans, and the end)


BIBLIOGRAPHY
1. Wild West Shows: Rough Riders and Sure Shots, by Judy Alter, Franklin Watts, 1997

2. Wild West Shows, by Paul Reddin, University of Illinois Press, 1999

3. Wild West Shows and the Images of American Indians 1883 - 1933, by L.G. Moses, University of New Mexico Press, 1996

4. The Real Wild West: The 101 Ranch and the Creation of the American West, by Michael Wallis, St. Martin’s Press, 1999

5. World Book Encyclopedia, 2000

6. Buffalo Bill’s Wild West: Celebrity, Memory, and Popular History, By Joy S. Kasson, Hill and Wang, 2000

7. The Big Book of the Weird Wild West by John Whalen, Paradox Press, 1998

PROPS

We need a large wooden wagon (for our stagecoach). A red wagon will do if we can’t find anything wooden.

We also need seven hobbyhorses, if that is the right term! What I mean is broomstick handles with fake horse heads on one end.

COSTUMES

The basic western costume: cowgirl and cowboy outfits should be fairly easy to approximate from most student wardrobes -- after all, basic western dress is still just jeans or a jeans skirt with a plaid or colorful western shirt. Add touches such as boots, neckerchiefs, work gloves, lariats, western belts and hats where possible and when affordable. Chaps or jackets or vests with fringes would also be fun.

About guns: we will allow toy guns if they do not make noise. We prefer wooden guns that are clearly nonrealistic in appearance. I bought mine at the Wizard’s Chest in the past -- it shoots rubber bands, though those won’t be allowed in our show, either! We also will not allow toy knifes or hatchets.

Individual costumes:

1. Ned Buntline: rumpled suit coat and hat, perhaps a colorful vest (like a 19th century journalist or Medicine Show salesman) or a cowboy outfit

2. Buffalo Bill: as close to historical record as possible or convenient -- long blonde hair and goatee, fringed jacket, high leather boots, fancy hat, medals, pistol and holster.

3. Announcers: dressed as cowboys and cowgirls

4. Annie Oakley: cowgirl with a rifle -- must wear a skirt.

5. Frank Butler: cowboy, with lots of bags or saddle bags and rifles to carry

6. Lucille Mulhall: cowgirl with lasso

7. May Lillie: cowgirl

8. Lillian Smith: cowgirl

9. Edith Tantlinger: cowgirl with a boomerang

10. Jane Woodend: cowgirl with leopard fur and perhaps a fancy East Coast hat or jewelry

11. Calamity Jane: cowgirl

12. Wild Bill: cowboy

13. Doc Holliday: cowboy, perhaps with a white apron or something else to lend a hint of his occupation as a dentist

14. Will Rogers: cowboy with lariat

15. Elsa Jane: cowboy (that is, pants -- not a skirt!)

16. Charley Parkhurst: similar to Elsa Jane

17. Wranglers: cowboys and cowgirl

18. Bronc: we will try to get a costume from the DPS Costume Shop for this, or else all brown clothes

19. Steer: same as the bronc, except with fake horns

20. Buffalo: same as the steer

21. Butch Cassidy: cowboy, perhaps with derby a la Paul Newman

22. Sundance Kid: cowboy with two pistols

23. Jesse James: cowboy

24. John Wesley Hardin: cowboy

25. Belle Starr: cowgirl

26. Stagecoach Mary: cowgirl

27. Bat Masterson: cowboy

28. Two detectives from Pinkerton’s: matching costumes, perhaps with longish coats, sunglasses, slouch hats and magnifying glasses

29. Pony Express Riders: cowboys and cowgirls, with one old satchel or saddlebag for the mail

30. P.T. Barnum: very colorful showman’s suit, perhaps in very bad taste

31. Mark Twain: white suit, straw hat

32. Queen Victoria: very fancy royal dress, of course

33. French President Sardi Carnot: dark suit with red sash and ribbons and medals across his chest, perhaps a long curly mustache and cane or a top hat

34. Queen Maria Christina: very fancy royal dress, with a Spanish flair

35. Pope Leo XIII -- white clerical robe, possibly a peaked hat or skullcap

36. “Show Indian” speakers: cowboy and cowgirl outfits

37. Rough Riders/cowboy: cowboy

38. Rough Rider/Indian: cowboy with some Indian touches

39. Rough Rider/British: white shirt, red jacket, black pants and boots, small black hat

40. Rough Rider/Russian cossack: fur hat, military jacket

41. Rough Rider/Vaquero: fancy Mexican dress

42. Rough Rider/Gaucho: fancy Argentinean dress

43. Rough Rider/Bedouin: Arabian robes

44. Chicago mayor: fancy “civilized” clothes, perhaps with a cane or parasol

45. Pawnee Bill: cowboy outfit, rather fancy and showy

46. Rodeo Boss: cowboy

47. Indian Craftsman: cowboy outfit with Indian touches

48. Hollywood Director: cowboy but with sunglasses and floppy beret

49. Aliens: masks and hands?